A Resilient Life
By Blossom
This article is part of a series by The Tapestry Project, commissioned by IMH to share personal narratives from individuals in recovery. The Tapestry Project SG is a registered charity that champions mental health education and empowerment through person-first stories and narrative programmes.
Living a life full of challenges and difficulties has made me learn the true meaning of the word 'resilience'. I am a person who was consistently abused since young, and therefore I always had very low self-esteem. I did not look into people's eyes as I was extremely fearful of everyone, never having the courage to look up. I suffered from multiple medical conditions, and i didn't think that I would fall ill mentally as well one day.
I had caregiving responsibilities from a young age, and they impacted my progress in life. once, one of my parents went to Batam for a week, and I had to stay at home to care for a family member. My mother wrote to my school's discipline master that I had been ill for a whole week, but the teacher was suspicious and called her up. My mother then told the discipline master that I had asked her to write the letter and to lie. I had to serve detention. Such incidents while caregiving made me lose trust in family members, and also made it difficult to seek outside help.
I started having psychotic symptoms in 2017, and seeing shadows and trees chasing me became a norm. This alerted me, as back then I was a caregiver to my family member who had bipolar disorder. I knew that what I was experiencing was not normal at all, and I would need help. Family members, however, disregarded my symptoms and claimed that I was just seeking attention.
However, my physical symptoms got worse. I fainted three times that year in total, and that's when I went to the hospital and was diagnosed with a brain tumour. Was I shocked? To be honest, not at all, as I had already been diagnosed with so many conditions. Another one wouldn't hurt me much.
In 2017, I switched schools, and I strove to ace all my exams. I also aimed not to be late for school, despite struggling as a caregiver, so as to avoid having any detention records in my year end report. The fear of being absent or late was already engraved in my mind. Striving for excellence became my goal at my new school.
However, pressure on me mounted. At the start of 2019, I became a caregiver to another family member, who was on the verge of depression. Although she wasn't formally diagnosed with an illness, it was tough living in an environment with both family members threatening to take their own lives and also threatening me.
By the middle of 2019, my symptoms of psychosis worsened. I went to a polyclinic and got referred to the Institute of Mental Health (IMH), but to my dismay, IMH referred me to another hospital because of the brain tumour. Being under that hospital's psychiatrists did not feel helpful as they did not understand my condition that well.
I was tired mentally, and in 2021, I was finally transferred to IMH. Juggling looking after my condition, being a student and serving as a caregiver to two people was extremely difficult. I didn't understand how all this could happen to one person. All I know is I have always been a courageous person, and that I did not back down. When I took the pre-assessment for the Early Psychosis Intervention Programme (EPIP) service at IMH, I was shocked that I got in. I knew my condition was quite severe but I was still in disbelief.
From 2021 to 2022, I was still partially caregiving, and so I ignored my condition. Additionally, one of my family members would always go to see the psychiatrist with me. It was extremely stressful as she would demand me to be quiet in the consultation room. There were times when I spoke, but this made her furious, and once we were out of the room, she would push me to release her anger.
However, I also developed resilience in caregiving. For instance, when my loved one didn't have the motivation to take medication, I'd tell her, 'Do you know that you are very cherished? That's why so many scientists are willing to give their time and effort to research and create medications for you.' I was creative in trying to devise activities just before the bedtime to tire her out so that she would sleep. I also became more confident. Once, a man recorded my loved one's behaviour on the MRT, and I insisted he delete the recording right away. This helped my loved one trust me. For me, the secret ingredients of caregiving are courage, calmness and gratitude, and if a caregiver has these qualities, she is difficult to defeat.
My own recovery only really started at the end of 2022, after I was admitted to IMH. Initially, I was fearful, and many flashbacks rushed through my mind. They were so severe that I felt physically sick. I was especially fearful of my psychiatrist. I had many thoughts of avoiding her initially, and I self-harmed because of the fear.
Yet one day, my psychiatrist found out that something was amiss and used consistent gentleness to gain my trust. Touched by her care and courage to want to know the truth, I decided to be brave and let down my guard. In the ward, she encouraged me to attend activities. My case manager and psychologist also spent a lot of time and effort learning about me. Processing trauma with them was something that I didn't necessarily look forward to, but my psychiatrist really played the main role in my entire journey towards recovery. Without her, I wouldn't have come far.
My psychiatrist, indeed, became my role model in life. I didn't really have a role model until I met her and understood her more, especially in the way that she interacted with interns and colleagues. While watching her, a phrase I'd learnt came to mind: 'True leaders are willing to be led. Lead within your means. Be led within your means'. Her care for me went beyond simply doing a job, and I feel that she is a blessing from God. This experience made me realise how good it felt to have a person to aspire to be like.
After my stay at the hospital, I decided to visit my psychiatrist alone and not inform my family members when the appointments would be. My condition got a lot better. I felt encouraged, began attending outpatient activities, going to therapy eagerly, taking medication seriously, and also jotting down what was happening to stay in the present. Yet at that time, I still held a lot of negative opinions about myself.
I truly came out of my hurt after my last admission in 2024. I couldn't manage the intensity of numerous conditions at one go. It was stressful and intense, I kept crying uncontrollably. I was very lucky that my psychiatrist gave me consistent comfort and patience. She showed me how I could be cherished and valued as a person. My case manager visited me frequently and my psychologist gave me enough time to express my fears with her. Throughout their consistent help since the first admission, I have learnt a lot from them. I have recorded every encouragement that they have given me on cards, and I know that without their encouragement, I wouldn't have come out so fast. Their care made me learn that regardless of how much trauma I have, I am still able to be accepted by people. Now I love volunteering at EPIP. I enjoy everything I've done, and I walk with confidence without looking at the floor.
I remind myself from time to time that my case manager, psychologist, and especially psychiatrist in EPIP will always offer me silent support. I really don't mind what others think. What matters to me most is the wholehearted belief and trust in me, no matter what kind of circumstances I am in. Their encouragement is engraved in my heart and has become a motivation for me to push on in life. No one has a dearer place in my heart except for Jesus Christ. They proved to me that I am doted on in society and made me realise that I am lovable. I would never have realised and unlocked my fullest potential of being confident and expressive without these three people's effort!
Blossom enjoys reading and has a passion to help those in need. She writes to pass on the continuous love and support from her psychiatrist, psychologist, case manager in 2023, as well as her religious faith, all of which have helped her through her struggles.
